The big thing on both our facebook feeds at the moment is the trend for these little lists, so we thought we'd do one about the eternal life struggle of living your life without dairy. Coming off dairy when you have no other choice is one of them things- if you don't laugh about it then you'll just cry. So here we have 44 of the struggles of not eating dairy...
- Never being able to eat a Dominos again. Unless you eat pizza without cheese, then you're just fucking weird.
- Being an awkward person and having about 2 restaurants you can eat at safe in the knowledge of low risk of diarrhea.
- Being unable to leave the house without a full pack of diarrhea tablets.
- Seeing a free from pizza in the supermarket, internally crying with excitement until you realise its only gluten free.
- Everything you want to eat is only gluten free.
- All free from foods creating a crater sized dent in your purse.
- Seeing pizzas with goats cheese or buffalo mozzarella and then realising they are covered with normal cow mozzarella too.
- Never buying a shop bought pizza again.
- Thinking a product is safe until you see the dreaded 'whey powder' on the back.
- Never being able to make protein gains again without rupturing your anus.
- Risking 'may contain milk' cos you just can't cope any longer.
- People taking you out for food and then watching them be terrified they've accidentally poisoned you.
- Screaming FUCK MY LIFE when Cadbury Creme Eggs come out to play and you can't play :(.
- Wondering why you have been given this no dairy gift and are still not losing any weight.
- The spots you hoped would leave your face are still there. So it wasn't dairy then was it, just your goddamn hormones :(.
- Your farts becoming so toxic at the mere hint of dairy they could be used during chemical warfare.
- Threatening everyone with said farts.
- Worrying far too much about where you're gonna get your calcium, I don't want no bones dammit.
- Being ribbed the shit out of for your malfunctioning bumhole.
- Being unable to spell 'diarrhea' even though you get it minimum once a week.
- Judging whether or not to throw up or shit yourself first, or just risk it and do both at the same time.
- Giving in to one 'low risk' dark chocolate and regretting your decision for the next week.
- Having to ask for no cheese at Subway and only being able to have it toasted :'(.
- Alternative milks. Drinking milky water or the taste of a farm no thank you.
- Never being able to try Baileys.
- Never being able to try a choco milko (the tears are real).
- Bleaching your toilet more frequently than other normal humans.
- Not feeling like a normal human at all.
- Trying to convince other people they're dairy intolerant so you don't feel so alone.
- Having intense dairy envy when watching anyone look at/taste/smell dairy.
- Calling in sick because you're lying on the bathroom floor crying about your life cos someones snuck some dairy in without your knowledge.
- Taking calculated risks every time you eat.
- Realising you're only one step away from being a vegan (bacon stay with me!).
- Having the choice of 1 sandwich on the go.
- Watching out for crisps hiding milk in there (yes Pringles I'm talking to you you fuckers).
- Having to get your friends to strip cheese off their cheesy chips on a night out so you can eat them, yet still get ill the next morning.
- You KNOW the difference between hangover poos and dairy poos.
- Only being able to get ice cream from Waitrose.
- Having to visit health food/ vegan shops way more than you would ever have intended before.
- Never eating dessert again.
- Having to watch WINE of all things trying to kill you cos its strained through a cow (Why? How? The need?).
- People not understanding the difference between lactose and dairy intolerant.
- Feeling like your heart has been ripped out cos you miss cheese, milk and butter so, so badly :'(
- Realising you're gonna have to live like this for the rest of your life.
The struggle is real folks.
xoxox
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